15 Years Later

Dear Gullu,

It's been 15 years since we lost you. Life should have gotten accustomed to it, and perhaps it has, but also not at the same time. Your father passed away 2 years ago, also in the month of April. Your mom spends April completely in mourning.

Your parents adopted two of your distant cousins, who didn't have parents. Both of them live in Meerut, both are married and have a daughter each. Your mom loves spending time with her granddaughter, the little one has been everything to alleviate her pain day to day, moment by moment.

Your mausaji died a few years ago and mausi also lives in your parental house, where the tenant used to live. In the long years, life has taken its course... 

Genuine friendship is just as hard to find as it used to be. Lately it's as though, revisiting the past brings up new questions - almost like a thought exercise and scenario planning.

What could life have been like if you had still been around? Which things would definitely not have happened, which may have happened, which mistakes could have been avoided?

Would we have remained friends? What kind of person would I have become instead of the one I ended up becoming? Or how else would life have unfolded?

No answers only questions. I guess there is something to be said about round numbers. 15 years bring up much that had been buried and locked away. 

Hope you are in a better place - wherever that is. 

Missing you

One year. Gone.

I went to your place yesterday. Exactly one year later. The road no longer seemed new and unfamiliar, nor did the feeling of wanting to get there quickly. Of all the times that I have been there, yesterday I had a strange feeling. It was almost as though I saw a tiny trailer of your life and yet so much was packed in those few months that I look back and wonder whether it really happened the way it happened.

When I meet your mother, I feel as though I'd known her for many years and that I have a connection with her but the connection is not because of you. And then I look back and I am reminded of last summer when I somehow got through work each day and counted days until Sunday so I can just go to your place. Yesterday, it felt like I am familiar with every nook of your home. I forced your mother to take out more clothes to put in her wardrobe, clothes she'd just put away hoping she will just be able to live in the three saris she had lying outside.

Last year, I felt like your dad is coping better than your Mom. One year later, it's reversed. Your dad is still exactly the same as last year, your Mom has still learnt to do the daily errands and get by. It is strange.

When I got there, there were chants of Gayatri Mantra. An hour later, there was food served for the purohits. Another hour later, it seemed that the mellow air had slightly lifted. Everyone ate as though it was a task to be accomplished and thereafter just sat and relaxed. Everyone had you at the back of their mind but the conversations and memories have been recounted over and over. People talk about current affairs such as IPL and Sania Mirza as though at a social gathering, and yet it doesn't feel awkward. It is characteristic of an entire family trying to cope with an immeasurable loss.

Finally, Ekta and I sat your mother down and I sermonized. How she needs to do the bare minimum for life to keep going. Minor repairs around the house, buying clothes to replace the ones that have completed their useful life. Finally, we get her to sign off on a deadline for the things that need to be done. She says that she'll make sure all these things are taken care of by 31 July. The cell phone is still not functioning. I had plans to get it going yesterday but a long power cut foiled all the plans. Oh well, perhaps it is not time yet.

And soon it was time to go. With the promise to meet again on Saturday, the day before I leave this place I have called home for over two decades. Life will move and life will move on. I hope I can keep some of you with me, if not, I will keep your Mom.

TUM HO TOH, GAATA HAI DIL...

Hi,

I am not much of a blogger(writer). I have left that part of me long behind. Today was the day when I finally became an MBA, since the final trimester results were out. Even though there was euphoria all around, I could only feel one emotion, loneliness.

Words are never enough to express whatever I feel. However, whenever there is an occasion which commands the attention of the batch, I cannot but remember the person who was my closest friend in the college. I know that life would have taken, a more beautiful, turn had you been around, but nonetheless, there is not a single day when you are not remembered.

The trials and tribulations that we have faced would have vanished in an instant had you been around with your comforting presence. I know that there were many things left unsaid(which I would take with me to my grave), but dear friend, you can rest assured that your name has become immortal in the annals of IIFT.

The batch is incomplete without the mention of the person who gave it the humane touch, YOU.

This is just a small token of appreciation from a friend, a brother who can only hope that he can make you proud that you were ever associated with me....

Do wait for me....

Respecting Womankind

I suppose in the present day and age, while it is not very uncommon to find guys who respect women, it is still uncommon to find guys who would just unconditionally stand up for a woman whenever she needs it.

Gullu was one such guy. The fun-loving guy that he was, he would often say that everything is acceptable to him but he just cannot stand anyone disrespecting women. He spoke of at least a couple of times when he'd been involved in a brawl because he was standing up for a woman against another man who misbehaved or something. Such was his "passion" for the cause that he didn't care that women are an independent species, responsible for their own welfare.

I didn't realise how rare this characteristic is until I saw a situation that needed a guy like Gullu. Just someone who would stand up and beat someone up, if needed. And how it would have just come naturally to him, how one would not have needed to ask him to take a side. It would have been unquestionably the woman who was bearing the brunt of an abusive guy.

I suppose even someone like me does not care for mature and reasonable behavior in some situations, or perhaps sometimes the only reasonable thing is to slap someone.

Well, Gullu I wish you were here to do just what needed to be done in the situation. Just missed you so!

Milestones....

Gullu,

Wish you were around today, missed you loads. Just brings back a lot of thoughts and memories and the longing for a happy and commonplace conversation over a cup of coffee about the mundanes, the not so mundanes, life and its plans and just quietly smile and ponder over the comfort of a close friendship.

Some days just hit me so hard, remind me how it can never be the same again, even with every damn thing around me.

Wish you were here.

Love,
Me.

UWL Memorial Trophy

In IIFT, Delhi we have a sports and marketing event called United Warriors League. It is based on a model similar to that of IPL where there are team owners, brand managers and they bid for players. It is a two-week long event of madness and noise and as most people say, enjoyment.

This year UWL 2.0 was held on campus. The organizing committee consisted of some of Gullu's close friends such as Abhishek Kant Ghising, Shivam, Hari Singh, Satvinder, etc. All the friends came together and decided to have the UWL Champion's roving trophy in memory of Abhishek Agarwal.


The closing ceremony was held on 10 November 2009. Originally we planned to have the ceremony on Gullu's birthday on 9 November 2009 but there were some logistical issues at the last moment. It was good to have uncle and aunty around. It is not often that I am able to drag them out of their house and come to someplace to meet people. Mission Accomplished.

P.S. - Pictures to follow soon.

Is this real?

Is this for real? Is this really happening? I can't believe you are not here. Your thoughts, your actions, your words - all are real in my memory. Do you remember how we would talk to each other about our extended friend circles? Nowadays I talk about you like that. As though you are a dear friend located in a far off place and every time I think of you, I talk of you to whosoever is around me. And then I have this thought in my mind... wonder when I will see you again.

Am I really not seeing you again? I don't know how that can be! I blink and see you right here. Where did you disappear just like that? No, I am not in denial. It just seems so unreal, fictitious, intangible. And yet I have been living with this supposed reality for over four months. Wonder how I did. I can no longer remember.

Well exams are back again and I just keep drifting back to 3rd term exams. I remember that day we were preparing for International Finance and you just lied down in the CC, listening to Sassy explain some futures or something. I couldn't follow it but you did and I got annoyed with you for that. :) You know I wasn't annoyed with you. I was annoyed with the fact that I just couldn't get it!

Anyhow. I don't know what else to say except that I miss you.